Seven ways to win an election

If you thought elections were all about speeches, manifestos and honest campaigning...think again

Zanu-PF have a formidable arsenal of dirty tricks, dodgy methods, threats, schemes, bribes and beatings up their sleeve, and now, as the election draws inexorably nearer, they're all coming out on show. This week I compiled my top seven, though doubtless there are many more. Here we go with the Moses Moyo count-down: How to win an election seven different ways.

1.  Pay your soldiers:  The government needs its bullyboys on its side. So this week trillions of dollars have been distributed to troops, police and civil servants. My sources say the government secured some $137 trillion from the Reserve Bank for this purpose. Thus a private in the army, that's the lowest rank, who earned $310 million in January, this month received £1.2 billion. That should prevent any mutinies.

2.  Use the stick in the sticks:  Already violence has become a feature of the campaign out in rural areas, where 75 per cent of registered voters live, but where the media cameras rarely penetrate. Examples have been made of "sellouts" in front of their fellow villagers. It's brutal, and it will get worse.

3.  Don't forget the carrot. It's time once again for Mugabe's men to appear with maize and cooking oil a-plenty. Through the patronage of Zanu-PF aligned chiefs, this food is distributed to those who undertake to vote Zanu-PF, and only them. Those with a record of voting for the opposition will go hungry. And this is food aid provided by the USA and Europe.

4. Play the colonial card.  In recent elections Mugabe always blamed Zimbabwe's ills on the slim shoulders of British PM Tony Blair. He's gone now, but Bob continues to harp on about Britain and the USA ganging up on him. One of his slogans is: "Vote for the opposition, and Zimbabwe will be a colony again." There are cynics who say we should be so lucky.

5.  Get a grip on prices. Mugabe's men at the National Incomes and Pricing Commission have been told to get their act together, and as a result, the Commission chairman Goodwills Masimirembwa has begun threatening businesses to stop them increasing their prices. There is also a plan to open some so-called People's Shops, which will sell goods at low prices.

6. Text a threat.  The Mugabe pack are not frightened by modern technology. Alarming text messages have begun popping up on mobile phones everywhere in Zimbabwe. The messages include the following:  "If your neighbour is an MDC supporter, throw him out of his house." "We are watching you, vote wisely and not for the imperialists." And "Value your life, vote for Mugabe."

7. Trade on people's innocence. An old lady from a village attended a Zanu-PF rally in Hurungwe, 400km west of Harare. A party man made her look through binoculars. She was amazed by what she saw. The man told her that this magic machine will watch her when she votes, and report her if she does not vote for Mugabe. Then she will be beaten. That frightened lady will now vote for Robert Mugabe.

That's my top seven for the moment. If you can add to it, please do. Meanwhile, my thanks to those who picked me up on the "two horse race" comment. Quite right too. I was referring to the two nominally Zanu-PF candidates for President, Mugabe and Makoni, but that wasn't clear. And it's good to know this blog has careful readers. Please continue to post comments, corrections, additions, whatever. The more we all know, the stronger we will be. And we need strength now, like never before.

Comments

[Heyi]

I have enjoyed this read. I want to add that there is stuffing of ballots as well as the use of Radio and TV, which are all owned by Zanu PF. Good work there

[Sally Mbisi]

Use Pungwes, especially in the rural areas and carry them out late at night when the election monitors eyes can't see. Put fear in their hearts and beat people to make examples of what can happen if you vote MDC

[Itso]

Comrades tell me really if we stand a chance against this animal called Zanu PF. Tell me what the opposition is doing to make sure this election is not stolen like the previous ones. Can you tell me as well why we cannot take up arms and reclaim our freedom. Please tell me why I should trust the opposition. All of the above should not have an answer with Thabo Mbeki in it because he is an idiot. I rest my case

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